They Wouldn't Understand
by sighhrizzles
Summary: AU. High school Jane and Maura. What starts off as just some fling at the first party of the year turns out to be so much more than what either of them would have ever expected. Let me know what you think :)
1. Chapter 1

Heavy breathing. Chests heaving up and down. Legs and fingers intertwined. Sheets tangled. The smell of romance and hunger in the air. Eyes locked. Smiles wide. Why are these moments so fleeting? Everything was forbidden about this relationship but in this moment, nothing held them back. They cherished these moments because they came very few and far between.

For one of them, tomorrow would bring another day of flirting with guys in the hallway, party invites, and perfect grades. The view from the top of the social hierarchy was indeed a nice one, but the pressure that comes with it is sometimes too much for her to handle. The pressure for her to be smart, the pressure for her to be better than her older sister at everything, the pressure for her to be _straight_ weighed on her like a 100 pound brick. These pressures seeped into different aspects of her life and transformed into demons that she hid away like her best kept secrets. The only time she felt safe were during the 5, 10, 15 minute rendezvous she cherished with the girl next to her.

For the second girl, tomorrow would bring another day of torment. Parents fighting, being taunted at school, having an almost nonexistent social life. She grasped onto the belief that nothing would get better for her and that nothing would change. She peered into the piercing brown eyes across from her and realized that she was the only person in which she could seek solace. But only for these next five minutes. Because once they left this room, their open love and affection for each other had to be stifled. Passionate kisses turned into pursed lips. Deep gazes turned into quick, empty glances. Smiling faces that emoted all the happiness in the world turned into blank, uncaring faces. All the love that they felt for each other was stashed away, waiting it be unleashed another night. And during this night, for a few brief, but incredible moments, both girls could be themselves. Both girls could love again.

* * *

_Jane's POV_

The first time we kissed shouldn't have even happened. At all. She shouldn't have even been at that party. She shouldn't have been wearing that dress that hugged her hips like an anxious child hugs her mother. She shouldn't have smiled at me, he lips coated with the perfect amount of lip gloss and dampened by a hint of saliva. She shouldn't have even looked my way, he eyes full of excitement at what was probably her first high school party. I shouldn't have been intoxicated, and my hormones shouldn't have been raging from both the liquor and the lack of contact my lips had had in the past couple of weeks. All these things shouldn't have happened. Alone these single events would have meant little. But together, all happening in the same night, they proved to be a lethal combination. All these things shouldn't have happened. But they did. And it changed everything.

* * *

_Maura's POV_

The minute I clicked "attending" to the mass party invite on Facebook, I found myself losing control to fate. I wasn't sure why I did half of the things I did tonight. But I learned not to wonder why things happened to me and just let everything be.

But, my night was still filled with questions and self doubts. Should I really go to this party? Should I wear this tight black dress my mom said I shouldn't wear until I'm 18? Where is my lip gloss? Does mom even know how to turn on the new car? Does mom know that she's suppose to use turn signals? Does mom even have her driver's license? Where is 18 Longmeadow Street?

As I stepped into the house, my night went from being controlled by fate to being controlled by liquor, and as the night flew by, the moments started blurring together. What's Jose Cuervo? What's Keystone? What's Burnett's? Am I drunk? Is that Jane Rizzoli? Should I look at her? Am I allowed to do that? Is she looking back at me? Why is she smiling at me? How many fingers am I holding up? Can I feel my face? Why is Jane feeling my face? What is air? What the hell is happening?

Me losing so much control that night was the most confusing experience. But it happened for a reason, and that reason was for me to meet Jane.

* * *

_That night_

The bass bumped, hips swayed, and drinks were chugged, as the first major houseparty of the year was underway. There must have been a hundred students crammed into a house that was really only meant for the five people who lived there, plus a few guests here and there. The potent smell of marijuana drifted in and out of the different rooms on the house, and the air was filled with a thin layer of fog that no one really seemed to mind except for the innocent girl that just walked in. She coughed, waving her hand quickly in front of her face, and looked around. This environment was all new to her, and she wasn't consciously aware what made her come to this party, alone. Maybe she figured that since it was the beginning of the year, she could make some new friends, ending the taunting and teasing she was used to experiencing. She had two friends, but they were both sitting at home, on the internet, disinterested in the outside world, which she normally would have done also if she wasn't so tired of that type of life. The type of life where minutes turn into hours, the hours turn to days, the days turn to weeks of staring at a computer screen, in the same pajamas, with the same plastered smirk on her face, with a bag of never ending kale chips in front of her. Maybe she was tired of shutting herself in her room and cranking up her music to drown out the faint, but quickly ascending voice of her father yelling at her mother. Maybe she was tired of seeing pictures of girls at different parties every weekend, with different groups of friends, posing with duck faces, hips jutted outwards, grabbing each other like their friends were the only people that mattered. Maybe she was tired of letting high school pass her by, so she took a leap of faith and went to the party.

Because she was in no position to make herself any more different from the other high schoolers than she already was, she didn't refuse the drinks that were passed to her. One, two, three, four. Clear, dark, pink, red. Some sweet, some bitter, some almost too strong for her to handle. But she took every cup that came her way, at first forcing herself to pretend she liked the taste, but then losing feeling in her face and believing she was just drinking water.

To Jane, this was just another party, her eyes scanned the room as she thought of which girl she could make out with tonight. She's made out with a few girls, always at a party, always drunk, always claiming that it was just for fun or claiming that she didn't remember it the next morning. Her friends thought she was a free spirit, and casually making out with a girl was no big deal. Secretly though, Jane love how their smooth faces and soft lips felt against her skin. She loved the faint taste of tequila on their tongues and the delicacy of their movements. It was a much needed, and much wanted, change from the scruff and faint smell of cigarette smoke and cheap beer that she had to endure while making out with some of the guys at these parties. So, when her eyes made their way to Maura, who was clearly drunk but also clearly beautiful in her tight, black dress, she instantly forgot that Maura was too far down on the social hierarchy for her to even see which ring she sat on.

She made her way to Maura and when they made eye contact, Maura looked baffled, like she had seen a beautiful ghost. The alcohol and the chaotic party atmosphere gave Jance the chance to be whoever she wanted to be in that very moment, and although Jane's heart beat fast and her palms began to sweat, she maintained composure and a familiar show of confidence and control. Jane, who hungered for the taste of Maura's lips, decided that there was little need for small talk and she grabbed the cup away from the girl and lightly grazed her face with her right hand. "Hey I'm Jane, you're Maura. We're at a party, and right now you're the most beautiful thing in the room."

Both Maura and Jane knew that if any guy had walked up to either of them and said that, they would have laughed, lightly tossed back their hair, and walked away from the loser with the bad pickup line. But this was Jane, and the way she said it to Maura, as her eyes pierced through her soul, made it seem like Jane was some sort of deep poet who had just written the most beautiful line that the world had ever read. For Maura, this was all it took for her to lose her last bit of control for the night, first to fate, then to liquor, and now to Jane.

They made their way up the stairs to a room on the far left of the hallway, weaving in and out of drunken kids, barely avoiding spilled drinks on several occasions. As Jane closed the door, she flipped her hair over her shoulder and leaned against the dresser, smiling and staring at Maura. Maura walked over to her so that she was standing a few inches away from Jane's body and the started rambling about her interests, as if Jane wanted to hang out and have a girls night. But this was the last thing on Jane's mind and she softly grabbed Maura's shirt, closing the small gap between them, and meshing their lips together. A small peck quickly turned into a battle between tongues, with Jane obviously winning the war.

At first, Maura just assumed this is what drunk girls do at parties, based on the books she's read, so she just let it happen. But as her body sunk into Jane's, and Jane delicately wrapped her arms around Maura, as their lips parted for a few brief seconds before going at it again, and as Jane smiling into the kisses, Maura felt like a bubble surrounded her and for once, she felt safe. And for Jane, there was something so pure and innocent about Maura that she had never come across before, that she almost felt like from that moment on, a slowly growing fragment of her brain belonged to this girl.

On this night, two worlds collided, and then molded. On this night everything changed for Maura and Jane. But who knows what tomorrow will bring, because tonight, the feelings that they experienced could only last for so long, as the party began to die down and the alcohol began to flush out of bodies.


	2. Chapter 2

_The following morning after the party_

_Jane's POV_

"You're going to have to use more than concealer to cover those up," my older sister Gia laughed as she passed by me in the bathroom.

My fingers grazed either side of my neck, as I noticed how the red faded into black, which then faded into blue and purple. My neck looked like a modern art painting, but each mark told a complete different story. On the right side, the light bruise reminded me of her hesitancy during the party a she reluctantly kissed the side of my neck with wavering force. She was unsure how to handle the situation and me, and I assumed it was either her first time kissing a girl or her first time kissing anybody, ever. Her innocence and immaturity was a bit of a turn on for me, and I smiled looking at the mark she left.

While the hickey on the right side of my neck represented moments of passion, the mark on the left side of my neck represented power, dominance, and buts of unwanted pain. After Maura left the room, I quickly searched for Casey, who was my friends with minimal, yet important, benefits. He was popular at school, with his blue eyes, charming smile, and athletic build, most of the girls went crazy over him. But to me, he was a cocky guy who wore too much Axe body spray and bragged too much about his abilities.. if you know what I mean. He was also a terribly sloppy kisser whose lips functioned a bit like a vacuum cleaner hose and who was way too overpowering. Kissing him was like eating a sandwich that is way too big for your mouth; difficult to handle and exhausting. But the one benefit that making out with Casey has is that he talks way too much afterwards. He tells everyone in school about his conquests, and that's just what I needed to distract people from the fact that I spent an hour in some bedroom with Maura. I hoped people who noticed my hickeys would just assume they were both from Casey.

I sighed heavily as I put on more concealer, trying to dull the colors of the rainbow on my neck. "Jane, breakfast is ready!" my mom yelled up the stairs, and I reluctantly walked into the kitchen to where my mom, dad, and Gia were already seated.

"Hunny, you're not going out with your hair like that are you?" my mom said with a hint of disgust.

"Uh, yeah what's wrong with it," I replied back.

"Should I give you the short answer, or the long response?" Gia snorted. I rolled my eyes and sat down at the table. My parents think my family is a little more "perfect" than it really is, and I can't stand it. The expectations to be perfect and look perfect are always just too high, and Gia is always the reason the bar continues to be set higher and higher in every aspect of my life. She started droning on about how she could do some scorpion stretch perfectly now in cheerleading and she got an A on her English paper when practically everyone else got a B. I tried to drown her voice out the best I could.

I started to think about my night with Maura and found myself small smiling as I remembered the way she sunk into my body as we kissed, almost as if I was her sanctuary. I started thinking about the way she could playfully bite her lip when we briefly parted to catch our breath. I thought about the way she would sometimes just stop and look into my eyes and nervously tuck her hair behind her ears as she waited for me to make the next move. It was only one night, one experience, but there was just something about Maura that made my heart race and my stomach get butterflies. "Yeah it's because she's gay," Gia chuckled.

I snapped back into reality as I realized all eyes were on me. "W-what?" I looked around surprised.

"Mom asked why you haven't had any guys over for dinner lately, and I said it was because you're gay." She smirked. I knew Gia was just trying to be a smart ass, as usual, but my mom and dad did not take the joke lightly and both had displeased.. almost disgusted looks on their face. I started to feel a bit nauseous, but mostly angry at Gia's obnoxiousness and at my mom and dad's facial expressions to a secret that they hoped would not be true.

"What the fuck is this, the 1950's? Do I have to have suitors over here all the time to ask for my hand in marriage?" I yelled, as I threw my napkin down and dismissed myself from the table.

"Jane Clementine Rizzoli get back here right now and finish your breakfast!" my mom yelled as I grabbed my backpack and opened the front door.

Before I slammed the door behind me, I turned to look over my left shoulder and yelled, "But by the way, I'm NOT gay." And with that I quickly walked away from my house.

* * *

_Maura's POV_

Some days I didn't even need an alarm clock to wake me up in the morning, my dad screaming at my mom was all it took. I heard glass shatter as I jumped out of my bed and ran downstairs. My dad was inches away from my mom's face and tears were flowing from her eyes. I ran over and squeezed myself in between them, shoving my dad away from my mom. The glass that I heard shatter moments ago lay in pieces near the far right wall, and I knew that my dad threw it in anger.

My parents fought all the time but I liked to pretend like I didn't know that their marriage was broken. I think that they believed since I spent so much time in my room, I was unaware of what was going on outside of it, almost as if I live in some protected, fantasy world. But I could hear the screaming and the crying every time, and there were several times where I had to break them apart before things escalated too much.

"Ma-maura, go get ready for school baby," my mom stammered as she quickly rushed out of the room. My dad remained silent, his eyes carrying a small amount of guilt, not for yelling at my mom, but for yelling so loudly that I had to come downstairs and stop things. We locked eyes for a moment, and I hoped my eyes conveyed what I was thinking; do not pull that shit again. I walked away and quickly got dressed, before escaping the hell hole that is my house.

The interesting thing about my life is that when I leave my hell hole house in the morning, I only have about 10 minutes of peace before returning back into a different sort of hell hole.. school. I am constantly, no exaggeration, constantly teased for the littlest things. My hair, my height, my music interests, my outfits, my intelligence, you name it. Anything that has to do with my has probably been used against me in some way at some point. Sometimes I think that the popular kids are so obsessed with maintaining a social hierarchy that they'll do anything and everything to make sure that everyone feels beneath them. I was especially nervous today though after what happened with Jane this past Saturday. We were both drunk, but I remembered every detail, and I'm not sure I regretted what I did. Girls make out with other girls at parties all the time right? I keep telling myself this to excuse if Jane passed it off as a mistake, but I couldn't deny that kissing her was kind of… nice, and it almost felt special. I wondered if she felt the same.I spent the whole 10 minutes thinking about what I would do when I passed her in the hallway at school, and how she would respond. As I walked through the school doors, she was the first person my eyes fell upon. My heart started beating faster as I tried to make up my mind as to what I was going to do. The next few moments were like a slow motion scene from a movie.

I walked down the hallway with my head held high as she ran her hand through her hair and turned and looked at me. We made eye contact, and I think I saw a hint of a smile. She blink a few times and continued to look at me as I got closer and began to close the gap between us. Her lips parted slightly and she looked like she was going to say something. I smile and began to say "Heeeeeyyy-" when a foot literally came out of nowhere and tripped me. I fell face first and my chin slammed into the ground. I bit my tongue, hard, and a couple drops of blood trickled from my mouth. I slowly pushed myself off of the ground before looking up and seeing that the foot that tripped me was connected to Casey.

"Morning Maura," he smiled as the girls around him, including Jane, threw their heads back and laughed.

"You shouldn't be so clumsy Maura, you could hurt yourself." said Katie, a thin, blonde, lightly tanned, model of a girl, as she smirked at me.

Both Katie and Casey then looked at Jane, waiting for some sort of approval or backup, and after a few seconds that seemed to last forever for me, she said simply, "Yeah Maura, stop being so damn clumsy." There was enough disdain in her voice for Casey and Katie, and they seemed to like that response enough for them to be able to move on with their lives. Katie then began talking about this Friday's upcoming party, even though it was only Monday. Jane's words would have hurt me much more than the fall did if I hadn't noticed what Katie and Casey failed to see: a faint wave of uncertainty, and what looked like guilt, in Jane's eyes as she spoke to me.

As I slowly walked away from the group, Jane cleared her throat and said, almost a little too unnaturally loud "Yeah that party on Friday at Jennel's should be really fun. She lives down the road from the party last Saturday right?"

"Jane, you've been there before, why are you acting like you don't know where she lives?" Katie asked with a confused look on her face.

"Yeah of course, I was just making sure. You know how crappy my sense of direction is," she laughed. Katie passed it off as a ditzy moment, but I knew from the change in her voice and the quick side glances my way what Jane was trying to accomplish. I don't know why she's acting so shady, but I needed to talk to her about the party two nights ago. I guess the only way to do so is to go to Jennel's party this Friday.


	3. Chapter 3

_Jane's POV_

It's crazy how one person's comment can completely change how you feel about yourself. It can infect your brain like a virus and alter everything you thought you were so sure of. It can lower your self-esteem and break you down until you feel like nothing. It can replay in your mind thousands of times every day, until you start to convince yourself that it may be true.

"Nice try, Jane." Gia smirked as she walked by my room.

"What?" I spat back.

"Nice try looking good in that dress. It doesn't work for you sorry." She said, almost matter-of-factly, as she tossed her hair back and sauntered away. My heart sank as I stared at myself in the mirror. Mere seconds ago, I thought I looked perfect for Jennel's party. My hair was the perfect amount of curly, and the dark blue dress I was wearing seemed to hug what little curves I have in all the right ways. I had put on a tiny hint of lipstick to make my lips pop and a hint of eyeliner. A few seconds ago I thought I looked perfect, and now all I saw in the mirror was something hideous.

_My hair is too frizzy, and my lipstick makes me look like my mom. Is that a zit on my forehead? I think I put too much eyeliner on. This dress makes me look like a whale._ The thoughts raced through my mind as my mom popped her head into my room and asked why I didn't eat dinner. "I'm just not hungry mom." I said and she sighed and closed the door. I didn't eat much today, only a granola bar and a few crackers. But I never really eat much because I feel so.. fat. I grabbed the skin under my arm and just felt disgusted with myself. Tears formed in my eyes and I noticed that I had a text from Katie.

**Get your fat ass out here, time to party! ;)**

Katie and I always had that type of friendship where we jokingly make fun of each other, but tonight it just further affirmed what I was already thinking. I sulkily walked out to her car and hopped in the passengers seat. "Why are you frowning? There's no time for frowning on a night like tonight. What's the matter hun?" she said.

"Nothing, I'm fine Kate." I tried to think of a suitable lie to cover up my hurt. "I just think I lost my favorite beanie, The one I got in New York last year." I said.

"Oh, that sucks." The concern that Katie expressed for people is sometimes so fleeting.

We pulled into Jennel's driveway and the bass from a Calvin Harris song was radiating off her walls. Jennel's house was further back off of the main road towards the woods, so she was able to have outrageously loud parties without getting noise complaints. We walked down her long driveway and toward the front door. From behind me, I could hear a whistle, and when I turned around there was a drunk Casey, eyeing me like I was a piece of steak or something. He grabbed my hand and pulled me close to him before I could enter the house, and his friends chuckled as he licked his lips and whispered in my ear, "You look sexy, and I can't wait to see you out of that dress." He was such a pig, but I couldn't let him or anyone else know that. I looked to my right and Katie was smirking at me as she waited for me to join her. The look in her eyes said, _lucky you, about you about to get laid tonight._ I faked a smile at Casey and gently removed his hands from my hips even though I want nothing more than to slap him. But I guess I put myself in this position. He was using me for the same reason I used him, for a hookup. But our intentions beneath that reason were completely different.

I walked into the room and Jennel stumbled over to me with two drinks in her hand. She was clearly wasted, for her eyes were bloodshot and glazed over. "Jane!" she yelled, draping her hand over me as the drinks in her hands spilled behind me. "So glad you're here, here's some jungle juice. Emily made it, so drink with caution. Actually, forget that, drink up!" She said shoving the drink in my face and tilting the lid to my mouth.

I grabbed the cup before Emily's concoction hit my lips. "Thanks Jennel," I said absentmindedly as I scanned the room. I was hoping to see Maura but all I saw were drunk bodies falling all over each other.

I continued to gaze around the room until I noticed Emily had kinda snuck up on me, "What. You don't like my drink?" She asked with a stern face.

"No, no it's great Em." I said taking a sip. It tasted absolutely awful, like rubbing alcohol mixed with fruit punch, and I hoped that Emily would never become a bartender. I spent the next few seconds trying to control the muscles in my face so that they didn't reveal my lie.

"If you like it as much as you say you do, you should drink more." She said, with a _I call bullshit, and you needed to be drunk 5 minutes ago_ type of face. I sighed and chugged the rest of my drink, wondering how quickly it would hit me since there were probably 8 different kinds of alcohol in it and I had barely eaten today.

"We're playing never have I ever in the kitchen, c'mon." she said, grabbing my hand and walking over to the island in the middle of the kitchen.

I hated this game because it was a game where all I did was tell lies. "Never have I ever had sex." our friend Ally said, as the majority of us put one finger down, indicating that we had. I thought back to that one night with Casey and almost vomited as I involuntarily gagged.

"Never have I ever kissed a girl," Emily yelled from across the island. She smirked at me as I, along with Katie and Jennel put a finger down. "Hey what happens at parties, stays at parties, right?" The girls laughed and nodded in agreement, while my face remained neutral. Maura still wasn't here and I was starting to lose faith that she would come. But then, everything hit at once.

My vision started to blur as Jennel slurred "Never have I ever had a crush on a girl." and right on cue, the front door opened and Maura hesitantly walked in. She was wearing the same tight, black dress she wore last week, and I started to assume that was the only party dress she owned, I mean she didn't really need that many she wasn't a frequent party goer. But it didn't even matter, it still had the same effect on me as it did last Saturday.

I absentmindedly put one of my fingers down and Katie giggled, "Wow Jane, I always knew you liked me."

"What?" I stammered as I noticed one of my fingers was down, "Oh no, sorry I didn't hear what you said." I lied, as I continued to stare at Maura.

Each of the girls slowly turned to see who I was staring at. "Who in the hell invited her?" Katie said as she grabbed a drink and walked over to Maura. "Maura, what the fuck are you doing here? Nobody invited you so leave."

"I- I… Jane.." she said weakly, looking over at me with hopeful eyes. I started walking over, unsure of what I was going to do, but before I could reach her, Katie threw the drink all over Maura's black dress. Maura stood there, with a shocked look on her face, and then turned quickly and ran out of the house as Jennel started cracking up behind us.

"Good riddance." Katie said as she walked back to the island and resumed Never Have I Ever. "Jane, get over here!" She yelled to me.

"I have to pee." I said quickly and started walking towards the front door.

"Jane, the bathroom is THAT way!" she yelled behind me as I ran out to find Maura.

I saw her running down the street as I made my way to her. "Maur-" I said before I felt my arm being grabbed.

"Ready to show me what you got, Rizzoli?" Casey smirked. I jerked my hand away from him and started running after Maura.

* * *

_Maura's POV_

My eyes stung, as I tried to blink out the alcohol that splashed up into my face from Katie's drink. How could she be so cruel. And why did I even decide to come to this party, thinking that Jane wanted to see me. I started sobbing, feeling regretful and embarrassed about what just happened, when I felt a hand softly grab my wrist. She turned me around and I looked into her glossy brown eyes. "Maura…" she whispered, pulling me behind one of the parked cars so it would keep us hidden from anyone who walked past.

"Maura, I'm so sorry." She slurred and her hand fumbled with my dress, trying to wipe off the alcohol that had already seeped into the fabric.

"Jane, I shouldn't have come here.." I trailed off as her lips pressed against mine. I was completely sober, but this kiss gave me the same feeling it did Saturday. The butterflies came rushing in, as she deepened the kiss and held both sides of my face. I felt my body grow week as she move her hands to the small of my back and pulled me closer. It was the taste of alcohol on her tongue that brought me back to reality, as I pushed her off and yelled, "Jane, you don't even know what you're doing right now!"

"I want you, Maura." she whispered.

"No you don't, you're drunk.. you're drunk and all you want is a plaything! You can't just go around making out with someone at parties and then treating them like crap when you're around your friends."

We both knew that what I said had struck a nerve. "Maura, you don't understand!" she said weakly, as tears formed in her eyes. "I want you," she repeated, more timidly this time.

"Jane, you're drunk." I replied.

"I have to be, Maura.."

"Why?"

"Because I can't go around kissing girls sober. That's not who I am. That's not who I want to be." I suddenly felt bad for her, she was clearly battling something bigger than this drunken situation.

"Jane, I came to this party tonight hoping to talk to you about what happened last Saturday. We can't talk about this now, it needs to happen when you're sober." I paused, "I'll be home all day tomorrow. I live at 21 Eastbrook Road… come over. We can talk then."

She nodded her head and murmured, "okay." before starting to slowly walk away. I was nervous to hear what she had to say, but I think I was more nervous about the fact that this was the first person I had ever invited to my house. The hell hole. I just hoped my parents would find a way to get along for the day.

* * *

_Jane's POV_

I lay on my bed watching the numbers on my digital clock change slowly. Minutes turned into hours as I just lay there, hoping that some force would make me get up and drive to Maura's house.

Part of me just wanted to brush off last week as a random hookup. I wanted to move on with my life and not have to face the skeletons that I had buried and guarded in my closet. I wanted life to be easy. Go to a party on Friday, get drunk, and hookup with another straight girl who would say she also didn't remember what happened the following morning, use Casey to cover my tracks, and the wake up and do it all over again on Saturday. Maura and I barely knew each other, so why should I open myself up to her and make myself vulnerable?

But another part of me wanted.. needed, someone to talk to. My other friends just cared about parties and guys and weren't really ones to empathize strongly with me. Ally was the only person I could truly talk to, but I don't think she would understand me being ga-. _No. Stop Jane. You're not.. You don't like girls don't label yourself._ But as I thought back to my weekend habits and the feelings Maura gave me when we kissed, I knew in my heart that I was just lying to myself. So I decided to let fate choose what happened to me. I got off of my bed and grabbed a quarter from my desk, heads means you go see Maura, tails means you don't. Here goes nothing. I flipped the coin with my index finger and thumb, caught it, and flipped it over once onto the back of my hand. I then slowly revealed what the coin said, and looked down.

_Oh._

* * *

_Maura's POV_

I sat at my desk scrolling down my twitter feed, and quickly glanced at the clock. It read 11pm and I don't know why I still had hope that she would come. I decided to look up her twitter to see what she was up to. Since we weren't following each other I had to search her name, and luckily her tweets were unprotected. The most recent tweet at the top of the page made my heart sink.

**Bonfire with the girls #partypartyparty**

There was an instagram link below the tweet, and I quickly clicked it. There was Jane with her friends, posing with duck faces and red Solo cups in their hands. Casey was behind Jane trying to photobomb the group picture. I don't know why I expected so much from Jane, but she let me down again. Maybe I was just some random hookup to her at the party. Maybe I was naive to think things would be different this year and that that party would change high school for me.

So as my dad began to yell at my mom downstairs, I shoved my headphones in my ears and cranked up the volume, a bowl of strawberries in front of me and continued to browse the internet, I felt a sense of familiarity in this routine. My life was back to normal, whether I like it or not.

* * *

_Monday morning_  
_Jane's POV_

"Jane, if you're gonna hookup with Casey every weekend you guys might as well date.." Katie said to me as I glared at my phone and scanned through my twitter feed.

"Or she could date me.. since ya know, we have history together now." Jennel laughed, I tried to zone out what my friends were saying because I didn't want to relive Friday night.

My sober regrets from Friday afternoon leaked into that night as i attempted to drown out all thoughts of Maura with alcohol. But sober regrets quickly transformed into a drunken desire for comfort. I thought I could find comfort in routine, so I thought if I hooked up with someone else all would be back to normal. Unfortunately enough, that person ended up being Jennel, and it quickly became a joke among our group of friends that Jennel and I were the new power couple.

Katie started joking with Emily, that she needed to improve her drink mixing skills, when out of the corner of my eye I saw the girl that I wanted to avoid and yet so desperately be around.

As Maura quickly walked down the hall toward me, it was then that Jennel thought it would be the perfect time to revisit out drunken hookup. "You know Jane, you're a good kisser and all but I think I'm going to have to breakup with you for Ryan. He was looking so hot at the bon fire, pun intended." She giggled.

Maura was inches away from me, and we briefly made eye contact before she attempted to shuffle around my group of friends and make her way to her locker. And in the moment, I saw hurt in her eyes, and i knew that it wasn't just hurt from the fact that Jennel and I kissed, but also built up from from everything that had happened between us this past week. And unfortunately the hurt would continue to build as Katie noticed Maura near us.

"Oh, speaking of Maura!" She said with a devious face, although none of us were actually talking about Maura, Katie wanted to make it a point to get Maura's attention.

Maura stopped in her tracks as Katie continued to speak. "Guys guess what I found when I was on twitter the other day," No one answered as we all waited for her to answer her own question. "I found Maura's little One Direction twitter account." she laughed as Maura's face turned to sheer embarrassment.

She realized what Katie's intentions were and started walking away, "Hey, I'm talking to you!" Katie said grabbing Mauras shirt and lightly pushing her against a locker.

"Katie, just leave her alone," I said angrily.

"What Jane? You didn't seem to mind on Friday," my mind flashed back to Casey tripping Maura in the hallway last Monday, and then to Katie throwing her drink on Maura at the party and how i didn't make enough of an attempt to remedy either situation. And now, I still can't bring myself to push Katie away from Maura. I couldn't have people suspecting my feelings towards her, so I prayed for some miracle that Katie would just stop on her own. But she didn't.

She continued to grab onto Maura's shirt and mock her. "So Maura tell us about this twitter account…"

* * *

_Maura's POV_

Tears began to collect in my eyes before spilling out like waterfalls, "Please, just leave me alone.." I whispered, lowering my eyes because i knew that Jane wouldn't help me.

"Katie I think that's enough, don't waste your time.." Ally said timidly.

"Yeah," Jane agreed weakly.

Katie looked back at her friends, some of whom were smirking while others shifted uncomfortably as they watched. Katie and I then made eye contacts and her brows furrowed as she slowly let go of my shirt and lightly shoved me to the side. "You're right, so where were we about Emily's bartending skills?" she said as the poison left her voice, and was replaced by a lighthearted laugh.

I lightly jogged away from the group of girls and turned the corner into an empty hallway, where I threw down my backpack, and sank to the floor and started sobbing into my hands. I was used to being bullied, but ever since my first encounter with Jane it, for some reason, had gotten so much worse. Fighting at home, and fighting at school.. I just couldn't escape it. I laid my head against one of the lockers and sighed at the tears continued to silently roll down my cheeks. Suddenly, I felt my phone buzz and I noticed I had a new Facebook message from Jane.

**You have every right to hate me. You were right, I have treated you like crap, but it's because I'm afraid. I guess that's a terrible excuse for everything that's happened, but I do want to talk.. if you'll still let me. I'll understand if you don't though. just know that I'm sorry about everything, and if I could take it all back I would in a heartbeat.**

I re-read her message three times, trying to figure out how I wanted to respond. It's been one week and I've made myself vulnerable to her three times. Each time, I've been disappointed. I couldn't keep letting her do this to me. But for some reason, I couldn't help myself from hoping things would get better. One more chance, I promised myself, she gets one more chance.

**K. 21 Eastbrook Road.** I typed implying that I was giving her one more chance to come over and talk. **I'll be home at 3, see you then.**


	4. Chapter 4

**A/N: **Hi everyone, I hope you all are enjoying this story as much as I am writing it, I have big plans for it. This chapter is going to be a bit shorter, sorry for that I don't have a whole lot of time but I got inspired. I know Jane is being kind of a jerk right now, it won't last for too much longer and I promise there will be a lot of Rizzles soon. I'm trying not to go for that slow burn but I want to establish the characters since they are so different from actual Jane and Maura. Hang in there okay! Thank you so much for reading and all the feedback, it's greatly appreciated :)

* * *

_Jane's POV_

Everyone has a secret. It could be something relatively small, something that if people found out, you could just laugh off as a bad habit. Or it could be something much larger. Something that is a part of who you are but you vow never to reveal. Something that you so desperately hide, but something that you want to badly to get off of your chest. Something that you hope people can accept, but you still fear every day that it could ruin you.

It was 2:30pm, and I sat in my car in Maura's driveway staring at her front door. She would be home at 3, but I needed to be here early. I needed to show her that I was serious about talking to her. I also knew that if I didn't come early, I would talk myself out of coming at all.

My palms were sweating and my heart started racing to the point where I felt like I was having a heart attack. I felt myself start to hyperventilate and my head started to hurt as I struggled to convince myself not to leave. I was about to tell Maura the one thing I never wanted to tell anybody. I was about to be honest with myself and it scared the crap out of my because I don't think I've ever been able to shed the layers of lies that surrounded me like a forcefield. I was about to leave myself vulnerable, and I tried to decide if I was terrified of the situation or relieved at the opportunity.

Time proved to be my worst enemy today, the minutes changed slowly. Finally the clock in my car struck 3, and the heavens opened as Maura's dads pulled into the driveway right next to my car, with Maura in the passenger seat. She looked over at me with the most surprised look on her face, and I knew that even though she had given me another chance to talk, she had such little faith in me that she believed I wouldn't come. That feeling hurt, knowing that you have let someone down so much that they can't trust you. I needed to fix this.

"Hi Jane." she said with a small smile as I stepped out of the car.

"Hi Maura," I said nervously, playing with the hair tie on my wrist.

"Let's go up to my room and talk, okay?" she said, noticing I was nervous and gently placing her hand on my shoulder. I gulped and nodded as I slowly followed her into the house and up the stairs. Once we got to her room, she plopped onto her bed and patted the space next to her, indicating that she wanted me to sit by her. I slowly approached her and hesitantly sat down, as I continued to look at my hands and avoid eye contact with her.

"Jane.." she said placing her hand on mine.

"Y-yeah?" I stammered.

"I know you're nervous to talk, but you shouldn't be. I don't want to talk about anything you don't want to talk about, I just want to know why you've been treating me a certain way when we're alone and then a different way when you're with your friends. I don't know whether you hate me or you like me. I don't know if I'm doing something wrong, I just don't know." Hearing her question whether SHE was the one doing something wrong made me feel sick.

I felt my tongue and my throat dry up as I struggled to choke out any words out of my mouth. "I need something to drink," I finally managed to say.

"Okay, well let's go downstairs and see what I have. Are you hungry?" I shook my head furiously, which was my first lie of the day, and I hoped it would be my last. I hadn't eaten anything that day, but my stomach couldn't handle food right now. It made me sick thinking about what I was going to admit to her soon.

As we walked downstairs, I could hear someone angrily muttering from the kitchen. "I'm sick of this, we both know that without me, you would be nothing." I guess Maura heard it too because before we even set foot on the bottom stair she quickly grabbed my hand and quickly lead me back up the stairs. Once we were back in her room, I looked at her face and noticed tears forming in her eyes.

She quickly blinked, and they were gone, but her face continued to remain red as she cleared her throat. "I'm sorry about that, my dad must have had a rough day at work." The way she was now avoiding eye contact with me, the way she nervously played with her hair, and the way her chest and neck started to break out in what looked like a red rash, made me feel like she also told her first lie of the day.

"I understand, it's okay. Parents get angry and say things they don't mean all the time, it's fine."

"I guess," she responded quietly.

It pained me to see her so upset, so figured I could change the conversation. "Hey, so what type of music do you like?" Awkwardness filled the air and we both knew it was a superficial question intended to distract Maura from what was going on downstairs.

"Um well, as you probably know, I like One Direction.." A pang of guilt filled my chest as I remembered how Katie teased Maura about her One Direction twitter account. "I also like Ed Sheeran, to be honest I like pretty much everything. My iTunes library is a bit of a hot mess." she smiled.

"Alright well let's put it on shuffle and let's see what comes up." I said. I wanted to get to know Maura, and it seemed like music was important to her. When she talked about music, it was the first time I had seen her smile since the first time we kissed at the party. She walked over to her computer, pulled up iTunes, and pressed the shuffle button. I was excited to hear what would start playing until the song actually started playing. The nauseous feeling returned as Katy Perry started singing the first lines of "I Kissed A Girl".

We both sat there, mouth open, staring at her computer. This must have been god's way of saying "It's time to speak up my child." Fuck.

Maura started fumbling with the mouse and quickly clicking around until the song finally stopped playing right before the chorus. "Umm. Yeah my library is pretty.. um…" she couldn't finish her sentence.

"Yeah," was all I could say. We sat in silence waiting for the other person to say something. I took a deep breath, knowing that I had to find the courage to speak up. "I guess that's a good segway into what I need to say." As I became to speak, it became harder to breathe and my hands began to tremble. I hated everything about being in this situation but deep in my heart, I knew it would happen at some point. I looked up and into her eyes, waiting to see a flash of judgement because I knew she knew what I was going to say. But I didn't see judgement, I saw patience, and understanding. I saw kindness.

"Maura.. this is really hard for me."

"I know," she said softly.

"I've been acting differently around you because I don't know how to be honest about.. I don't know how to be honest about this. I know you've been questioning how I feel about you, and to be honest, how I am around you when it's just us is the real me." I paused. "Wait, no. That's not entirely what I mean. We've only been together when I'm drunk. But honestly the alcohol makes it easier to be open. What I'm trying to say is…" I paused again trying to regain my composure, "I like.. people." Wow Jane, way to be vague.

She smiled. "Well I like people too, we have something in common."

I laughed lightly and looked up at her. "Do you get what I'm trying to say though?"

She nodded and took a deep breath, "Jane. I get what you're trying to say, but I also know that you don't want to outright say it. I know that the words you want to say probably terrify you. You don't need to pin a label on yourself, but I think it's important that you are honest with yourself about what you want.. whether it's me.. or some other.. person." she said cautiously.

"Am I the first person you've told about this?" she asked. I nodded my head. "Have you considered telling your other friends?"

"No." I said definitively. She struck a bit of a nerve.

"How come?"

"Because I can't.."

"I'm sure you can Jane,"

"No I can't you do not understand."

"Why don't I understand?" She questioned, brows furrowed.

"BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MAURA" I yelled. Then, silence. The edges of her mouth turned downwards, and she suddenly looked down.

"Shit, Maura I didn't mean that. I'm so sorry,"

"You did mean it, but I'm sorry I pushed you about it. I know this is hard for you," How could this girl be so understanding?

"It still wasn't right for me to say it." I said apologetically. She nodded, and I continued talking, "I'm still trying to come to terms with everything myself, I can't tell my friends or family because how can I expect them to understand something I don't even understand myself?"

"You know you can always talk to me. I would never judge you."

"I don't know what you're being so nice to me, I've treated you like crap Maur," I said breaking eye contact with her.

"It's because sometimes you need support from someone who knows what you're going through."

I don't know why this surprised me so much. "W-what do you mean did you like, like the kiss?" I asked slowly.

"I think I did? To be honest I've never really kissed anyone, so no offense, I don't really have so much to compare it to. But, I can't lie and say that I didn't feel something. I guess I'm like you, just trying to figure something out." _What are the odds?_ I thought. I guess I expected her to be like every other straight girl I've hooked up with, just another girl looking for a thrill, trying to feed some drunken desire. She smiled at me, and I couldn't help but return the smile.

_And she said,_

_How do you know me so well?_

_After only one night,_

_How do I love you? tell me_

_With all of my might_

_I'm indebted to you_

_I'm indebted to you always._

My phone started playing my ringtone, I'm Indebted to You by Lana Del Rey, and I couldn't help but think, sometimes a song can explain your life so well and speak the words that you never could. I saw that Emily was calling, "Hey, Em."

"Hey girl, we're going shopping, you in?"

"I'm kinda busy right now Em."

"Doing what?" she asked curiously.

"Umm, I'm doing homework." My second lie of the day. Maura looked down and started biting her lip.

"Okay well finish whatever homework you're doing quickly. I'm giving you 30 minutes, then I'll be by to pick you up." and with that Emily hung up, with the intention of having the last word before I could protest.

"I have to go," I said quietly to Maura.

"Okay." she responded, nodding her head, still looking down.

"Hey, look at me." I said, gently placing my index finger under her chin and lifting her head up so our eyes met. "Thank you," I smiled. "I can't guarantee that everything will be fine and out in the open tomorrow, or next month, or even next year. I need everything to be as normal as possible out there," I said pointing out the window, "while I try to figure things out. But when I'm with you, I promise to be one hundred percent open and honest. What you see right now, that's me. Not whatever you see out there. I know this isn't an easy request, but please be patient with me."

"Okay," she murmured, "I'll do whatever I can to make this easier for you. But Jane.."

"Yeah, Maura?"

"I like sober you."

I smiled, "Me too."

Talking to Maura today was a milestone of an achievement for me. I felt a weight being lifted off of me not only because this is the first time I had talked to Maura while sober, but it was also the first time that I didn't feel so mentally tired. It was the first time I didn't have to focus all of my energy on concealing feelings or conveying up my hookups or just plain lying to myself. I felt free. I felt true. I finally felt like me. Maura was my clarity and with her, I felt safe. But as I put my jacket on and walked out of her room, I felt the weight of a thousand lies drape over me once again. I couldn't help but worry what tomorrow would bring.


End file.
